Have you ever wanted to read the first two chapters of GIDEON THE NINTH for no money? Now you can, as well as reading free excerpts from authors including Sarah Gailey, JY Yang and Brian Naslund! It’s cheap as free!!!
These two chapters are some of my favourites from the novel because they involve Gideon failing to come up with believable names for monthly porn magazines. This is the type of quality content you have come to expect from me, and I deliver.
It bewilders me more than I can articulate that people are now going to say my characters’ names, out loud, in the air; I have put together a pronunciation guide in order to help you on your way to describing to other people your “PALAMEDES SEXTUS ATE MY BALLS” GeoCities page.
Harrowhark Nonagesimus
Noh-na-GESS-i-mus
Gideon Nav
Short A as in NAVigator, not as in NAVE.
Ortus Nigenad
ORT-us (to rhyme with tortoise, unless you pronounce tortoise “tor toys”, in which case it doesn’t) NIGH-ga-nad.
Pelleamena Novenarius
Pelly-AM-enna Noh-ven-ARE-ee-us.
Priamhark Noniusvianus
PRY-am-hark (Avoid ‘Primark’) NOH-nee-us-vee-AHN-us.
Aiglamene
Eye-GLAM-enay.
Crux
Crux. Like Hux. Chucks. Sucks.
Aisamorta
EYE-sa-mor-tah.
Lachrimorta
LACK-ri-mor-tah.
Glaurica
GLAU-rikah.
Judith Deuteros
DEW-teross.
Marta Dyas
DIE-ass. (He he.)
Ianthe Tridentarius
Ee-AN-thay Try-den-TAR-ee-us.
Coronabeth Tridentarius
Cor-OWNA-beth Try-den-TAR-ee-us.
Naberius Tern
Na-BEER-e-us TURN.
Jeannemary Chatur
JOHN-mary CHA-tour. (Soft-ish 'j’, as in the French.)
Isaac Tettares
Isaac as you’d think. TETT-are-es.
Magnus Quinn
Abigail Pent
As in English.
Palamedes Sextus
Pal-AM-a-dees SEX-tus. (As in, Palama… deez nuts. Editor’s note: Sorry)
Camilla Hect
As in, “I hecked it.”
Dulcinea Septimus
Dul-sin-AY-a SEPT-i-mus.
Protesilaus Ebdoma
Prot-eh-sil-OW-us EBB-domah.
Silas Octakiseron
SYE-las Ock-ta-KIS-er-on.
Colum Asht
Colum as in 'column’, as in 'columba’. Asht. Asht Katchem.
INCIDENTAL NAMES AND TERMS
Matthias Nonius
Mah-TYE-as NO-nee-us.
Cytherea
KITH-er-AY-a.
Lyctor
LICK-tor (“Lyctor? I hardly touched her,” etc)
Canaan House
Canaan as in the Anglicised Biblical (KAY-nan).
Secundarius Bell
Se-cun-DAR-ee-us.
Drearburh
DREAR-burr.
Previously you could pay no money to possess two chapters of GIDEON THE NINTH, but we heard your complaints (”That takes effort” “I cannot do it in countries that are not America” “I am very weak and feeble and have only one click to spend before expiration”). All you need to do is hit this link, and the whole first chapter will leap into your eyes!
To me this feels very much like publishing the first chapter of one’s fanfiction online, but wearier. I remember those days when I was green and jejune, earnestly letting people know on Livejournal and Tumblr that the first 10k of my latest magnum opus was up for the five people in the universe interested in Yuffie Kisaragi/Freya Crescent/Gamzee (Bad ship – Ed.), but those days were characterised by modesty and shame. When you start to publish professionally, you become filled with a hot and neurotic desperation that cannot exist alongside shame. “Maybe read this, if you’ve a mind to,” I used to say, eyelashes downcast, fanning myself shyly, hitting PUBLISH on Ao3.
Now I’m like: Read it!!!!!!! Read it to your dog!!!!!!!!!!!! Please, God, I’ve edited this so much!!!!!!! I am assured that if you DON’T read it Satan will read it to me ceaselessly in Hell!!!!! I’ve put in as many jokes as humanly possible on the off-chance you’ll laugh at one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Before I come undooooone, save me from the nothing I’ve becoooooome.
Tor.com will be running the whole first act over the next couple months. Follow along; you might like it.
(Were you here on the Internet when every YouTube video was a different Naruto and Sasuke AMV set to the All-American Rejects’ It Ends Tonight? I never knew much about Naruto, but this book is all those AMVs at once.)
WHAT A GOOD QUESTION, SHAME I HAVE PREVIOUSLY FAILED TO ANSWER IT IN ANY CAPACITY
Here’s my book on Amazon. It arrives September the 10th, the same day as some sequel to The Handmaid’s Tale comes out by somebody called Margaret Atwood, so that’s fine
Get it on Kindle! Get it in hardback! Get it on audiobook, at some point! If you don’t like Amazon get it on Barnes & Noble! More links await ye on my Goodreads page! These guys thought of everything!